


lights are on but no one's in

by pnkmoneel



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst, Drunk Neil Josten, Fluff, Hurt Neil Josten, I'm Bad At Tagging, M/M, Neil Josten is a Mess, Neil is having a bad day, Post-Canon, a stubborn mess, if you squint really really realllly hard at the end, pls help, so is Andrew in the background
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-24
Updated: 2019-05-24
Packaged: 2020-03-13 17:33:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18945619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pnkmoneel/pseuds/pnkmoneel
Summary: Neil Josten doesn't cry, but he might just this once.





	lights are on but no one's in

**Author's Note:**

> hi!  
> this is my first fic ever so any criticism is welcome  
> recently i decided to redraw an old drawing of mine and it inspired me to write this so now here we are  
> also, the title is from Nothing But Thieves - Drawing Pins
> 
> ps. if i forgot to tag anything let me know

Slowly opening his eyes, Neil's mind tried to comprehend the heavy feeling in his chest, weighing the redhead down to the bed. When Neil threw a quick look at the window, he saw a soft pink sky and few stray clouds wandering all alone as if they were as lost as him. Usually, the view called for Neil to join the peaceful, familiar atmosphere. This early in the morning it always felt like he was all alone with nature around him, encased in a bubble. It felt safe in a way.

But this time, the view did nothing but make him want to stay in bed. Even the thought of moving for some reason exhausted Neil. The redhead slumped back in his bedsheets, might as well catch an hour or so of sleep while he could.

☁

The next thing the redhead knew was Nicky's obnoxiously loud alarm going off. This time when he blinked his eyes open the weird feeling was gone. _Huh._ Maybe the many hours spent at night practice pushing himself to the limit all the time had started to catch up to him.

Dragging his still sleepy body to the bathroom, he quickly took a shower and left the steamy room in favor of getting some coffee in his system. Just as he had poured himself a fresh cup of the inky drink, the redhead heard the door to the bedroom open and soft steps retreating to the free bathroom.

Taking a sip, Neil hummed and started preparing Andrew's diabetic coffee. God, he couldn't understand how the blonde could drink that sweet shit.

A few minutes later he heard the lock click open and was greeted with the sight of a blonde bedhead. It made something warm spread in his stomach. Andrew looked so soft and squishy like this. Not like Neil would ever say it out loud.

When the man padded into the kitchen, Neil offered him the already finished coffee, "here."

Andrew didn't look at him even once, not even a glace and made careful moves so as not to touch Neil when he took the offered cup. _Ah_ , so it was one of those days. The distance for some reason made a hollow feeling seep into Neil's heart, but he discarded it before he could even start wondering what it meant. Usually, he was okay with these days and it was okay today too. He stubbornly thought. _Don't be selfish._

"If I can do anything to help you let me know," he quietly said just in case. He knew Andrew would try to deal with this alone if he didn't. It had happened a few times before and Neil couldn't bear the thought of Andrew being all alone when he was like this.

A small nod was all he got as an answer but it was enough. Without a backward glance, Andrew went over to the window and after opening it he lighted a cigarette. The open window let in fresh wisps of air mixed with the pungent smell of burning ash. The smell that had long since become so uniquely Andrew.

But for some reason, it suddenly stirred up old memories better left in the past. Neil took a deep breath and pushed them away, and after a moment a veil of fog settled over the unpleasant memories swarming his mind and it was fin- okay now. It was _okay_. He reminded himself. Andrew didn't like it when Neil said the word fine just as much as he despised please and Neil had promised himself not to use it anymore.

The redhead felt confused as to what had just happened but simply wrote it off as lack of sleep. After all, what else could it be?

Soon enough everyone had dragged their tired bodies out of the heaven called the bed. Quickly grabbing something to eat, they made their way out of the dorm and drove to the gym.

☁

After each painstakingly long minute of warming up and stretching, Neil was free to go do whatever. He already had his goal in mind as he stalked towards the treadmill. He was going to run himself ragged if he needed. Anything to get rid of the jittery anxious feeling that had started seeping into his bones from the moment he got in the car.

But few minutes in, Neil started realizing that running did quite the opposite of helping. The redhead felt more anxious than before and the enclosed space made him feel claustrophobic. Neil felt muted panic fizzling under his skin, real but not really there. He didn't understand what was happening, running was his salvation, his freedom, the one thing that helped clear his mind when nothing else could. Except for Andrew of course. But right now he didn't have either, now did he?

It felt like his footing had been pulled right out from under him. Instead of giving in to the panic that had spiked to a whole new level at the discovery, Neil fell deeper into the hollow feeling in his chest, that he had tried to chase away all along. And just like that, the panic trickled away leaving in its wake fragile calm.   _He was great._

Gritting his teeth, he made his way towards a bit more secluded spot and started stretching. And spent the rest of the gym time there, apparently, because the next thing he knew, everyone was leaving towards the showers. _Shit!_ He quickly ran after them before Wymack or anyone else noticed he wasn't with them.

☁

Classes came and went, but Neil didn't really pay attention to what was happening. The redhead found it harder to concentrate as hours went on. It felt like every moment stretched on for forever but he couldn't remember anything. No one seemed to notice his weird mood. Good, because he was perfect. _Okay._ Neil could deal with this. He was just tired. That's all.

His classes ended a few hours before practice and Neil made his way back to the fox tower. By now he just felt numb. As if there was a black hole in his chest sucking every emotion and feeling right out of him. And when he stumbled over a crack in the pavement that he was too out of it to notice, he didn't even feel the pain as his body hit the ground. Neil didn't know if he could get back up, but he had to. Because he was _fine_.

So he did.

He dragged his tired body all the way to the dorm and fell into the beanbag. The redhead knew he should move, go take care of his hands and knees. Neil had landed on them pretty heavily, so they probably had bruises and scratches all over them. But he just couldn't seem to bring himself to do anything. Just a few seconds. He would rest for just a few seconds.

But a few seconds turned into a few minutes, maybe hours. And then, Nicky was there.

"Hey Neil!" he said just as enthusiastically as always. Neil quietly nodded in greeting. "Uhm...what happened to you?" the brunette quietly asked.

"Nothing."

"Neil, there's blood all over your legs, how is that nothing?" the concern made Neil feel sick. He didn't want to worry anyone.

"I tripped," Neil answered.

"Do you think I will believe that? Don't lie to me."

Nicky didn't believe him. Of course, he didn't. Neil was a liar how could anyone actually trust him. The thought made a heavy numbness spread through him. Untrustworthy. Nothing. A sad laugh bubbled up through his throat and Nicky looked at him weirdly.

"Neil?"

"Leave me alone," Neil simply said.

It seemed like Nicky wanted to say something more but for once thought better of it and after having collected some notes and books, he left.

The redhead heaved himself up and went to the bathroom. He hadn't noticed that the fall had been bad enough to make him bleed, but now that Nicky mentioned it, he really did feel a sticky substance that could only be blood sticking to his legs. He cleaned the blood up and put some bandages on the wounds. He checked his hands too but they only had some scratches on them. Nothing he couldn't deal with.

After that, he ventured in the kitchen and made himself some tea he found in one of the cabinets just to do something. And so he sat at the kitchen table. Neil didn't know how much time had gone by but at some point, he remembers Andrew coming back from classes and going into the bedroom. His tea had gotten cold but he continued to slowly sip on it.

There was something wrong. He knew that but didn't really want to admit that out loud. There was emptiness in his chest, a numbness that had settled in his bones throughout the day and it seemed to have attached itself to his very soul. It felt like something was weighing him down, making it even harder to keep himself upright. It was almost as if Neil wasn't even in his body anymore. He was moving, breathing, but that's all that he even vaguely noticed. He was tired.

He had zoned out and at some point, Andrew had strode up to him, but he only noticed the blonde's presence when he asked the all too familiar question.

"Yes or no?"

Neil thought he should feel something, anything at all. Andrew was good enough again to speak to him, to ask _that_ question. That was good, really good. Neil should be happy, right? But instead, the heavy fog continued to stubbornly cling to his mind. He still tried. Maybe the redhead just needed something more to get rid of it.

"Yes," yet as hard as he had tried, even through his haze the redhead could hear how bleak that had sounded. Disinterested. Neil wanted to hate it, but he felt nothing. He wanted to hate that too, but it seemed like he didn't have enough energy left even for that.

Something flashed in Andrew's eyes and finally, he really looked at Neil. It seemed like he didn't like what he saw.

"Neil," the blonde started carefully. "I will ask you again and this time be honest with me. Do you want me to kiss you, yes or no?" The way he said it, Neil understood this was serious, but his mind seemed to want to make everything harder than it needed to be. It felt like wading through mud trying to string together a coherent answer. Andrew waited patiently but no matter how hard Neil wanted to say yes, he knew that a kiss was not something he wanted or that would help him right now.

"I don't want it," the redhead couldn't bring himself to say it out loud, but they both knew it meant a clear no.

As if burned, Andrew quickly moved out of Neil's space and made his way to the window. With his back to Neil, he could see the tension in his shoulders. Andrews retreat made Neil feel something real for the first time in hours and it didn't feel good. Quite the opposite. There were knives poking at his heart making his chest ache in ways he has never felt before. This felt so wrong and Neil wanted, no, needed to fix it so he made his way towards Andrew. Maybe if Neil's mind had been less of a mess he would have known it was a mistake. They both were in a bad place and nothing good could come from pushing each other right now.

"Don't."

It was a simple word. But for some reason, it pierced Neil like a bullet.

"Andrew-" Neil started, but belatedly he realized his mind had become completely blank and he didn't know what to do or say anymore.

The blonde quickly rounded on Neil. If Andrew felt anything, it was masterfully hidden behind a mask of apathy. "I said don't. What didn't you understand? Even the sight of you makes me feel sick," each word hurt like a knife to his heart. But what he said next was so much worse. "I have no use for you so you might as well leave. Run like the rabbit you are. Go on," Andrew mocked and turned away again. Which meant he didn't see the moment Neil broke. Good. Those words shouldn't have hurt as much as they did. Neil was used to this type of talk but. But.

At that moment, considering the state Neil's mentality was in, they were the final push. The day's events seemed to crash together and shred Neil's mind to pieces, the bottled up emotions finally ran free in his veins, seemingly turning to acid and burning everything in its wake - his lungs, heart, and soul. The agony became unbearable. He couldn't breathe and his legs felt like jelly as if all the nerves had been burned to ashes.

The burning sensation slowly ate away at his emotions that had become all but a jumbled mess. The sudden feelings after the whole day of nothing was a stark contrast and made him feel even more off-kilter. Each emotion came into sharp focus before numbness and scorching pain took over his senses. A taunting reminder that he could feel something besides all-consuming agony before it disappeared.

Just a few minutes ago he had longed to feel something, anything. Well, now he did, just not the good kind. He would have laughed at the irony of the situation if he had had the strength left in him. Instead, an all too familiar mask slipped on and for a moment, he felt okay. He could breathe, hell, he could even move. _He was fine._

"Okay," Neil quietly murmured and made his way towards the door, ready to leave. At the last moment, he decided to venture into the kitchen to grab the hidden whiskey bottle. That way he would have a way to muffle the mind-numbing pain. Old habits die hard. He loathed it.

Neil could already feel the cracks showing in his mask and he quickened his pace. He needed to get away. Right now.

The redhead didn't look back even once as he made his way to the roof. By the time he made it to the ledge, his mask had all but crumbled and his legs couldn't hold him up anymore, making him fall to his knees for the second time today. But this time at the impact, he felt the pain course through his body, making him tremble that much more.

Neil Josten doesn't cry, but he might just this once.

The sun shined brightly above him, making Neil squint and cover his eyes with the free hand. The redhead's whole body felt rubbed raw, a headache already forming from the overload of sensations. In hindsight, maybe the roof wasn't the best option, but his body felt like lead and he couldn't imagine moving anytime soon.

After a few minutes of gathering himself, he pushed his body up and staggered to the ledge. The sun was strongly blaring over his head and soon enough he started to feel sticky and uncomfortable. The man remembered the whiskey that he had taken with him and after a few seconds of fumbling with the cap, Neil got the bottle open and downed a few shots worth. He hated the burn in his throat but not enough to stop. After all, it felt much better than the stinging sensation still coursing through his whole body, making everything ache.

After a moment, he could feel the first wave of numbness taking over his mind. Ah yes, he really did prefer this. Unsurprisingly, the combination of pain and numbness only alcohol could offer brought some of the more unpleasant memories to the surface for the second time this day. Neil could almost feel the biting edge of a bathtub against his back, the metallic taste of blood from biting his lip too hard, and most of all - the needles pressing under his skin, pulling it this way and that.

He didn't know how long he had been sitting there, drowning in old memories and sipping on whiskey from time to time. But when he came to, the sun was already setting so it must have been a few hours. The redhead didn't acknowledge the wet streaks still cooling down on his cheeks.

His mind had become pleasantly numb from the alcohol and the stormy emotions had somewhat calmed down. Now that Neil could think more clearly he knew that Andrew didn't mean to hurt him. Not like it changed anything, but still. It had been a bad day for both of them for the first time ever and they had stabbed each other with their sharp edges, not knowing any better. Although it had hurt like hell, leaving was most likely the best action to take in that situation.

At some point in the past few hours, he had moved and right now he was leaning over the ledge, looking out towards the ground, but not really seeing it. Suddenly a strong wind swayed Neil's body and he belatedly realized how exhausted he felt. Knowing if he didn't get up soon and move away from the steep fall right in front of him, he might actually topple over and he definitely didn't want that. He probably wouldn't even die. It wasn't high enough for that.

Just as he got ready to heave his heavy body up, Neil heard the door to the roof open. The next thing he knew he got dragged away from the ledge by his obnoxiously bright orange sweatshirt and then icy blue eyes met with beautiful golden ones.

"Neil, what the fuck!" he got pulled out of his short reverie.

"Uhm, what?" the redhead stupidly tried to understand why Andrew sounded so panicked. His vision swayed a bit and he blinked a few times. "What's wrong?"

"Don't _what_ me! You looked ready to jump right off the edge!" Andrew said, almost shouting. Neil had never heard Andrew sound so off-kilter. But then the words registered in his slow mind.

"What? N-no, Iwas getting ready to gonside," he slurred a bit and came to the conclusion - he was drunk.

"It sure didn't loo-" the blonde suddenly stopped and narrowed his eyes at Neil. "You are drunk." He stated, not even a question.

Not like Neil was going to deny the obvious. "Yes."

"Why?" on the surface it looked like a simple question, but Neil could hear what Andrew really meant. Why are you drunk? Why were you on the ledge? Why did you not tell me anything? Neil decided to answer to the simplest one.

"I needed a way to forget the pain," the redhead gave a twisted smile. "Nice to know old habits don't die," he sarcastically added. Andrew seemed to consider the answer, he could see the other questions still begging to be answered, but luckily, the blonde decided to not voice them. Neil didn't know if he would be able to answer them without tearing himself to pieces all over again. Not now, at least.

Instead, he inquired, "Why are you here?"

"You missed practice."

Neil could imagine how that looked. Wait... shit! _He missed the practice._ Kevin will kill him or at least bore him out of his mind by lecturing him on how reckless it was to miss practice when their lives literary depended on how well they played.

Probably seeing the slight panic Neil felt, Andrew snorted and murmured "Junkie," under his breath.

The normality calmed Neil down like nothing else had all day and he actually felt a small real smile pull at his lips.

The day might not have started the best. And maybe it hadn't gotten better at first. He might have had a breakdown… But this? This made his stomach feel all funny and peace take over his mind and body. This was everything he needed for now. And maybe it was everything Andrew needed too, guessing from the small smile Neil caught before it disappeared.

  


**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading this! i hope it wasn't too bad and you could enjoy it.  
> any comments are appreciated  
> and i'm pnkmoneel on tumblr and twitter if you have any questions or simply want to chat lol


End file.
